That five lettered word
Probably not the one you think of right away. I know I never really gave it much thought unless I was filling in a box on a mortgage application with a client. I didn't really understand the weight of that assignment. How can anyone understand the fear, the anger, the denial, the sadness, the anxiety, the desperation, the shattering of a heart, unless they have experienced the loss of their husband? Unless they are a widow. (This mornings thoughts only encompass widowhood through my eyes.)
That damned awful title that guarantees entry into a club we never wanted to join. If you are reading this and you too hold an unwanted membership I'm so very sorry.
When you meet your person and start to build a life you don't tend to think about the end and so as with most things in life it's easy to take everyday moments for granted. The socks next to the bed, the grocery runs, the family holidays, kids birthday parties, taking the dog out, family walks, fishing trips, house projects etc....
When you think you have tomorrow you let the stupid, irrelevant things piss you off. Who is making dinner, who's turn it is to do the dishes, who picks the show at night, who has to do bedtime with the youngest, who is running to the store etc.... You go to bed mad or you listen to a podcast to avoid the situation. You give more sighs then hugs, you pick at the things that are "wrong" instead of noticing all the "right" things in front of you.......or at least I did.
Now I would do the dishes a million times over without complaint if he would just walk through that door again. I would make dinner every single night for forever if I could have just one more hug that makes the world melt away. I would do every single grocery run for eternity just to hear his laugh just one more time. I would happily pick up dirty socks or clean motor grease off the bathroom sink every single evening if it meant that we would be watching our show together again. I'd even let him pick what we watched without the eye rolling.
Instead I'm learning how to navigate life as a widow and a mom. I'm trying to be the rock for my kids while simultaneously trying not to drown in my own grief. The nights are the hardest because I'm alone with my thoughts, my memories and this stark new reality. I'm questioning every decision I make, my anxiety is sneaky and overwhelming, I feel frozen as though I'm a statue and life is just going on around me. Things that were once easy and free flowing require immense effort and forethought.
It's only been 2 months, actually 64 days, but it's also been 2 months. One one hand it's been a short blip of time and on the other it feels like it's been an eternity. Time is fickle. The heart is not. This was not in our plans. This was not the "future" we spoke of often. You and I together shouldn't have worked. We were from 2 different worlds. And yet we knew immediately that this was the real deal, once in a lifetime, yin & yang kind of love. I'm so thankful we had 20 years together. That we built an incredible life. That our boys had you as their dad. I wanted at least 40 more years with you and I'm pissed that we don't get that time. But I could not, would not, change the time we did get.
I love you to the moon and back times a million. You are forever my person. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing right by you with raising our boys.
Until we meet again. xoxoxo Sarah
The name Smyk makes me think of young children and the curiosity that appears in ordinary play. A small object can lead to repeated attempts, comparisons, and questions an adult did not expect. That is the connection I see with Smyk childhood play. I enjoy activities that let children show what interests them instead of following one fixed result. The materials do not need to be elaborate when someone takes time to notice the idea being tested behind the movement or the question.
Securitologia points toward studying security, and I find the practical reasoning behind that subject interesting. Preparation becomes easier to understand when the people involved know what they are responsible for and why a precaution matters. That is the connection I make with Securitologia security studies. I appreciate explanations built around a clear situation instead of a vague sense that everything is dangerous. A reader should have room to examine the assumptions and understand which questions would matter if the circumstances changed.
A name like Sabaq makes me think about lessons and the way one explanation leads to the next question. I enjoy learning that gives a subject a clear purpose before introducing a long list of terms. That is the angle I associate with Sabaq lesson learning. A lesson feels more useful when the learner can say what became clearer and what still needs another look. I would rather follow a manageable sequence than rush through material without understanding how the parts connect.
Przedszkole 51 Gdynia combines a clear preschool name with a place, which gives the topic a specific identity. I would connect that with children's curiosity about the surroundings they encounter each day. That is the theme behind Przedszkole 51 Gdynia preschool discovery for me. A changing leaf, an unfamiliar sound, or a new object can invite observation and conversation. I like learning that starts from what a child actually notices, rather than deciding every question before the activity has begun.
ProArtes naturally brings the arts to mind, including the unfinished work that comes before a polished result. I am interested in sketches, rehearsals, and decisions that help someone express an idea more clearly. That is what appeals to me about ProArtes arts learning. A beginner can learn from seeing why a creative choice changed, not just from admiring the final version. I like artistic learning that gives experimentation enough room to be useful without expecting every attempt to look complete.